warrior
7 months ago today we said good-bye to our warrior. 7 long months without him, his smile, his courage, his hugs, his love. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of him and miss him deeply. Not a day goes by that I don’t shed tears that he is no longer with us. I watch the video tribute I made for him often, always with tears streaming down my face.
Life has gone on, as it always does, whether you want it to or not. I don’t come to this site nearly as much as I used to – or should. I can’t bear to become attached to the new souls that find themselves here, at one of the worst times of their lives, and for this I feel much guilt. The pain of our journey is still too raw; and yet I know that we were one of the “lucky” ones. We had over 3 years with our magnificent boy – so many out there would give anything for what we had. And still, it’s never enough time.
Sometimes it’s hard to think back to those final days/weeks. Watching him grow weaker as age and failing kidneys took over his body; watching as his mobility got worse, and the end crept nearer. Trying not to think what life would be like when he was gone. Trying to be brave for him, trying to live each day to the fullest, while my heart shattered a little more with each passing moment. He was a once-in-a-lifetime dog, who changed everything. Without him, I would never have met some of the most special people in my life; I would never know how heartbreak, courage, faith, strength, and love would lead me on a journey like no other. I am a different, and hopefully better person, than I’d have been without him.
I know in my heart that he sent a tiny white terror my way, to help me heal, to smile and laugh, and to love again when I didn’t think it possible. And I know he watches over me, and is happy that I am ok.
“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying good-bye so hard” <3 <3 <3
February 28th, 2018 at 2:51 pm
Paula,
Stewie and I would like to send you massive hugs.
He and I started his journey, just as Nitro was travelling to the end of his, but you have kept Nitro alive even in posts to Stewie! We both thank you for that!
Nitros tribute video is beautiful and I will watch it over and again, each time you post it!
Your Little Terriers will never fill a void, they are creating their own little mass in your heart! It’s endless Paula, it’s just some of our fur babies stick with us stronger right!?!
All the very best to you and your Little White Terriers! And of course special spirit kisses to Nitro!
Petra, Stewie and his Pride of kittens ❤️
February 27th, 2018 at 4:22 am
Oh Paula, please don’t should on yourself 😉 You never need to feel like you should be here, because your and Nitro’s spirit are interwoven all over the place in this community. You are always here in so many ways, and always treasured for the gifts you and your handsome warrior brought to the community.
I can’t believe it’s been seven months. It goes by fast. But yeah, even that amount of time isn’t enough to put an end to the water works. I don’t think the tears ever really stop, we just learn to hide them better.
xoxo
February 27th, 2018 at 12:40 am
Such a lovely post and so many heartfelt, honest, loving, insightful, beautiful replies.
I also watched the video again and listen to that beautiful song that was written for Magnificent Nitro’s tribute. Just so perfect.
That close-up picture of his handseome face immediately made me wa t to miss the screen….and I did! I can only imagine you missed that forehead thousands of times and told him you loved himand what a good boy he is.
I DO feel.like I have “met” Nitro and spend time with him because pf “knowing” him all these years! Sure, meeting him in person woukd be icing kn the czke, but through your pictures and all your posts, we got to bring Nitro into kur hearts and celebrate the MAGNIFICENT NITRO!!
Yeah, the lessons learned on this journey and the depth of love is very unique and very “tripawd specific”. The intensity involved of staying focused and making every moment count makes our time together all the more beautiful.
And without fail, no matter whether in a pensive state, a sad state, a vlah state, seeing pictures of Grizz and Kpdi ALWAYS make our hearts break out into smile. E V E R Y. S I N G L E. T I M E!!!
You are very special to us all Paula. So tha k you Nitro, for bringing your Paula into our lives…And that crazy kid Grizz and our wise, laid back Kodi!
Lots of love and some extra hugs
Sally and Alumni Happy Hannah and Merry Myrtle and Frankie too!
February 26th, 2018 at 4:13 pm
Paula… what a beautiful blog post .. much like you, I also find it hard to come here anymore and I feel guilt about that. While our journey was shorter, I, too, would give anything for one more day. The sidekick has brought laughter and smiles back into my life and meeting you all last spring was the highlight of a lifetime. I believe souls come into our lives for a reason .. even if we don’t know that reason.
But I feel we are all fur-ever bonded by our journey, our loss, our stories! Nitro will never be forgotten. He was majestic in appearance and in life. Photos of him with his ball and playing are among my fav … and of course, the snuggle with you – because you were HIS person for sure! That bond will never be broken.
Hugs and love to you!!!
Alison with Spirit Shelby in her heart ( and little Jasper too)
February 26th, 2018 at 11:38 am
Paula,
I love you guys, you know that. And I do think that all of us have become better people because of this journey that we all found ourselves on. However, I would throw away our friendship if it meant I would get to be with Manni again. I know that sounds harsh but I also know that you feel the same way about Nitro. We tried to move heaven and earth for them even though we knew we wouldn’t succeed in the long run. Life does move on even though neither one of us wanted it to. All we can do to not lose ourselves is to let love in again and honor the memories.
You told me that.
Love you
Tina
February 26th, 2018 at 3:47 pm
Do I wish I’d never met any of you? Absolutely if that meant we’d never had to travel the cancer journey, and he would still be with me. That was my first thought when reading your post. But after searching my heart, I find its not necessarily true. Because Nitro would still have had to leave me one day, no one lives forever. And no cancer journey would mean no TRIPAWD family, no dear friends that mean the world to me. My point is, he would be gone, one way or another; at least this way, I have the love of precious friends that I wouldn’t have had otherwise. The one and only positive thing I’ve gained from this road nobody wants to travel.
February 26th, 2018 at 3:20 am
I wish I had gotten to meet Nitro in person, I’m sure I would have loved him too.
Nothing can make this journey better, but it brought a group of us together. So at least we have that.
<3 Donna
February 25th, 2018 at 5:44 pm
Paula,
I totally get it and understand. Read this and re watched your video of course tears streaming down my face. I didn’t get to meet Nitro in person but I know how much that boy meant to you.
Thinking of you
xoxoxo
Michelle & Angel Sassy
February 25th, 2018 at 2:59 pm
That video is so beautiful. It’s so clear from the pictures how close you were. The picture at 1:42 is just amazing. I’m sorry for your pain. I hope Nitro can wrap you a little extra in his mighty spirit today and help you get through it.
Tracy & Warrior Angel Zatoichi
February 25th, 2018 at 1:40 pm
I totally get it Paula. Last weekend after visiting and staying with you on my drive home I got to thinking that somehow your house seemed so much emptier without Nitro. For most of my visits to you he was such a huge presence there. This last visit I truly missed seeing him and petting those super soft ears. So know your boy is sadly missed by those of us who loved him too. Tiny Devil and Kodi make it be still a happy home full of laughter and smiles but Nitro will always remain my first ❤️ As he ruled the house of Ehlers.