Dear Nitro,
It’s been 2 weeks since we said good-bye….it seems like an eternity since I heard you hop down the hall, or you’ve given me a hug. I still can’t believe that you are no longer with us; its’s like a nightmare that I can’t wake up from. I know it was time, that you were tired, that you fought the good fight for way longer than anyone thought possible. Knowing it was the right thing to do doesn’t make it any easier. My heart has shattered in a million pieces, and I don’t know if it will ever be the same again. All our Tripawd friends tell me I will be ok, that I will love again, that it is OK to love again; right now, that’s hard to believe.
Days go by, and I think I’m good. Then I break down, and I feel like I can’t go on. This world doesn’t make sense without you in it. I never knew I could love like this, never knew I could bond with a dog like this, never knew what the term “heart dog” meant before this. It’s funny how life throws us curve balls….who could have predicted that a bone cancer diagnosis would have brought us the best friends imaginable, while turning our world upside down. This journey is one I never would have picked for us, but at the same time, it allowed me to experience such a perfect love, that I can’t regret it. I’ve realized that I’ve started to define you as a dog with 3 legs – a Tripawd – but you were so much more than that. You were a Warrior, a fighter, stronger than I ever dreamed you could be. And you showed me that I was a Warrior, a fighter, and stronger than I ever believed I could be.
I’ve been preparing for your leaving me for so long now, for probably a year or better; perhaps this has enabled me to appear to have “gotten over it”. Your daddy, however, is just starting this process. He is really struggling with your being gone, and that is so hard. I don’t want him to think I’ve moved on, that you didn’t matter, because you were the world to me. I’m trying to be brave, for you…..I love you, sweet boy, and I hope you are running free, and having the time of your life. Until I see you again, “BE GOOD, MAMA LOVES YOU!”
August 14th, 2017 at 4:03 pm
Oh Paula,
This is so beautifully written!!! Those could be my words too as I feel and felt everything you wrote … from never knowing “heart dog” to the intense pain to the guilt of thinking you could love again.
Through the sorrow of this journey has brought new friends, new family, new experiences.
I am so sad the days are dark right now. I am sad for the quiet. The days without hugs. The days without Nitro. It’s cliche to say but it will get better. When? no one knows… there is no limit on grief so one must allow the journey to unfold … allow one to be open to what happens next.
I wanted to control everything – including the time I spent on my grief. But there was no controlling that. So as sad as it is right now .. .it is part of the journey. The horrible part of it for sure but lean on us. You all held me high through the darkest days and we are here for you!
Sending you love !!!!
Alison with Spirit Shelby in her heart (and little Jasper too)
August 10th, 2017 at 2:04 am
Paula, you & Nitro were some of the first to respond to our post when Gizmo & I started this journey & joined the Tripawds community. Nitro has always been an inspiration to us & probably one of Gizmo’s favorite superheroes! We send you our love, hugs & puppy kisses. I sure hope Nitro is there to greet Gizmo when he’s completed his mission on this side of the bridge! Thank you Nitro for keeping my boy motivated to beat the odds! Keep an eye on your mom for us angel boy! Love, Anna & Gizmo
August 9th, 2017 at 9:00 pm
Paula,
I’m so sorry that you are going through this and I’m also sorry that so many of us understand the pain all too well. I was just saying how I had a lot of time to get used to the idea that, no matter how strong my girl was, no matter what a fighter she is, I can’t cure old. None of us can. I feel a bit like it made me “better” prepared but all that really means is that I can get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other. I’m not sure I could otherwise. Like you, I didn’t know just how much I could love a dog – and I grew up with pets, some that I adored! – but I do feel that having to care for your sweet, lovely pet and accompany them on this journey really cements the bond. We wouldn’t do it unless we weren’t already deeply bonded to our companions and this simply makes it “next level”.
Nitro is around you so listen for him. He’s loving you just as much as he always did …he’s just sleeping in your heart.
Hugs,
Amy & my pretty pink angel pup, Izzy
August 9th, 2017 at 5:15 pm
Paula, my heart hurts for you just knowing what you’re going through. Your letter brought so many emotions back and this pain unfortunately will never go away completely. It may ease a little but the hurt will linger. You loved Nitro with your whole being and he returned that love so unselfishly, that is a true “heart dog” Paula. Our boys gave us so much and this journey I think made us realize just how much. I must admit, I still can’t believe Nitro is gone but I pray he is running with my boy and they will greet us when the time comes. ❤️
August 9th, 2017 at 3:42 pm
Hugs Paula. This journey is so hard this part of it. There are days that will be great and wonderful and wham then have awful days. Grief comes in waves.
It is a normal thing. No one will be able to tell you when it won’t hurt anymore. We don’t think you have moved on by any means.
Nitro will see you again. <3 <3 <3
xoxoxox
Michelle & Angel Sassy
August 9th, 2017 at 3:00 pm
Ah geez…waterworks going on over here.
Paul, this is such a beautiful lettet to Nitro. So much truth, so much heart….just beautiful.
And his tribute corner with his handsome pictures and the powerful light of the Cardinal…..perfect, absolutely perfect. And the lovely poem “from Nitro” is so true. I know he’s watching over you and I know you feel his presence.
No. this isn’t a journey any of us EVER want to take. The “nightmare” starts with the diagnosis and then is replaced with the joys of getting through surgery…taking the first steps..celebrating the first poop…seeing the sparkle come back….smiling as all the routines return. And then the “nightmare” of the inevitable grief. That also is eventually replaced with all the gifts of treasured memories we have from our time spent with our “heart dog”. It is replaced with the gift of love given and received here with the Tripawd family.
You said it so well::
“” it allowed me to experience such a perfect love, that I can’t regret it.””
Hang onto that. And know that Nitro is telling everyone at the Bridge the same thing. He experienced a perfect love and he has no regrets…..other than not being able to catch that darn laser 🙂 🙂
Love to you, John and Kodu
Sally and My Chunky Spiritual Being Happy Hannah and Merry Myrtle and Frankie too!
PS I think the grief has a different layer to it for John, or any spouse who isnn’t on the site. There is soooooo much understanding, so many shared feelings, so much support and validation that’s ongoing from day one of this journey. We understand no one “moves on” from the loss…they merely move “through it”. We understand the need to continue to love, and be loved, vy our animal partners. We understand our capabilities for love are expanded with every dog that comes into our lives because of the unique bond we have with each one. As you’ve said before, you’ve been going through this “anticipatory grief” far longer than most of us ever even have a chance to experience for that “long” John is just now starting his grief journey.
August 9th, 2017 at 1:31 pm
Hugs sweet Paula! It truly is a day by day process. Some good, some bad, some truly awful. Nitro is happy, healthy and whole at the bridge amongst all our Angels and wants the same for his ❤️ mom. Love you my friend!
August 9th, 2017 at 12:16 pm
Venus was my “heart dog” and your post perfectly describes the way I felt days and weeks after her death. Even a pic of your beautiful Nitro gets me because he has the says dobesmile as her.
I have no words of comfort to offer you but just know that my thoughts are with you during this awful time. xox
August 9th, 2017 at 10:35 am
Most of the time I’m OK, too, but then a picture of Murphy pops up on the computer’s screen saver …or something happens that reminds me so much of him and those tears escape again. It’s just not fair, is it? That we have to lose them when we love them so much. And on the days that I do do good, I feel guilty … guilty that I should be mourning more. I guess there’s no winning.
Hugs to you my friend!
<3 Donna